how soon is now?

to me,
the future
is in equal measurements
close
and far away.

others tell me
I’m too young
to be wise
but also too old
to be naive.

I don’t know how old
“perfect” will be, though.

all I know is
that I’m scared
of what I can
and should do,
but also afraid
that what I’ve already done
is not enough.

I have anxiety
that I am not living
to my fullest,
afraid of wasting potential,
yet highly unmotivated
to start new things.

being an adult
is not easy.
no one told me it would be,
but still…

I’m struggling.

it’s bittersweet,
really.

I dreamed of being an artist,
a poet,
an unsigned hype,
had dreams
of achieving a great legacy.

I worked for that,
got me a ton of jobs,
roles and loans
to live the life
I wanted to live.

but now, I am stalled,
afraid
that my adult responsibilities
are slowly
killing my dreams.

it’s a cycle,
a push and pull,
where I embrace things full force
and repel them
at the same speed.

what’s here today,
is actually gone tomorrow,
for
I’m too afraid to really commit
to projects,
to people,
because why invest
time and love in things
that may never flourish
into something big?

I conceal my fleeing
under the premise
that “this is my style,
I’m a free spirit”,
but truth is I am scared
of being dumped, mediocre
and left alone.

I am addicted
to constant validation
and instant gratification
that’s never enough.
I am constantly tired,
unsatisfied,
and often on drugs:
new ways to escape
old things.

thus,
I navigate a fine line
between being neurotic
and grade-a
legal narcotics,
being bad
and being good,
full of excuses.

all I wanted was someone to tell me
how the future will come.

I wanted someone to tell me
how they made it:
how they enjoyed the small victories,
savored the moment
and didn’t get crushed
under the weight
of bills, family, friends…. things!

I feel like everything’s amazing
and yet, everyone’s unhappy
(me included).

i wanted happy people to tell me
how they got to be
really creative,
and not pressured to produce
this day and age’s masterpiece.

all I wanted was someone
to help me bridge
this no man’s land
between my hands
and where they reach.

Advertisements

Tags: , , , , , , ,

4 Responses to “how soon is now?”

  1. Thoughts in Life Says:

    I really enjoyed your words. In life someone will always try and tell us, we are never enough but we can’t keep on believing, Otherwise, how will we grow?

    Liked by 1 person

    • fparadise Says:

      I appreciate you leaving a comment. Thank you a lot!

      And yes, I constantly try to listen to only good advice, to be surrounded by good influence that will allow me to grow… but sometimes bad thoughts get the best of us, lack of motivation stalls our growth. is a tortuous path.

      once again, thanks for dropping a line. I really appreciate it.

      Like

  2. bezpoante Says:

    like i’m reading about myself. honestly.

    i kinda understand the mechanism of this inner conflict, but understanding doesn’t cure it.

    i’ve always dreamed of being a musician (composer & producer) and right now i finally have some projects to finish and it requires a lot of work, but my motivation is at 0% constantly. and when i try to do it despite the lack of motivation, it just doesn’t work. so that little thought of giving up on my dream is always somewhere around. “maybe i was deceiving myself all the time – maybe this isn’t for me” &shit.

    so how to motivate yourself? cos if you think about it, nobody wants you to live your dream. why? because they don’t even wanna live their dreams. you see, i’m 30 now and i’m totally disappointed with my whole generation. i never thought that people who once had *dreams* will become copies of their parents. but i’m witnessing that shit every day. like, my (ex) friends, who were just a few years ago trippin on some crazy shit at illegal psy parties deep in the woods outside the town: now they are all normal, they look normal, they behave normal, they have normal jobs, normal debts, they live with their normal girlfriends, and their girlfriends are pissed off cos they bought blue fuckin carpet and green carpets are the shit now so their guests will think they have a bad taste for fuckin carpets. and when we meet for a drink, they talk about their jobs. and they pretend they’re not deeply unhappy and depressed. you see, that shit is fucked up. it’s fucked up really hard. it’s so hardcore fucked up that it’s terrifying. there are actually no words that can describe how fucked up that shit is. but it’s considered normal. and people wanna be considered normal. you have to get serious. having a dream is childish.

    i think the inner conflict is about wanting to live your dream and to be considered normal at the same time. and that’s quite impossible if your dream is not just to have a great job and live in some great house with your great family that fully supports your madness.

    sometimes i see it like this: you can never achieve your dream, but you can always live it. achieving it would be achieving that perfect picture inside your head: to live it AND to be “normal” & “loved” and “respected” & shit. but look at this deep shit:

    — Charles Bukowski: Go all the way —

    if you’re going to try, go all the
    way.
    otherwise, don’t even start.

    if you’re going to try, go all the
    way.
    this could mean losing girlfriends,
    wives, relatives, jobs and
    maybe your mind.

    go all the way.
    it could mean not eating for 3 or 4 days.
    it could mean freezing on a
    park bench.
    it could mean jail,
    it could mean derision,
    mockery,
    isolation.

    isolation is the gift,
    all the others are a test of your
    endurance, of
    how much you really want to
    do it.
    and you’ll do it
    despite rejection and the worst odds
    and it will be better than
    anything else
    you can imagine.

    if you’re going to try,
    go all the way.
    there is no other feeling like
    that.
    you will be alone with the gods
    and the nights will flame with
    fire.

    do it, do it, do it.
    do it.

    all the way
    all the way.

    you will ride life straight to
    perfect laughter, it’s
    the only good fight
    there is

    Like

now, your turn!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s