go on drone

you have never felt like this before. yes, you have been alone, but never this lonely. in fact, you can handle alone, you even like it. but loneliness – that’s new. maybe, just maybe, you were always so very lonely, maybe for your whole life, but the thing is that, before, you didn’t even notice. now you do. this awareness is undesirable, it is unrequested, but somehow you are now aware of your pain. and right now, in your room, the quietness of early morning broken by the noise of construction workers and the humming of urban life, you wish you were outside, living a different life, together with everyone else. you only wish you were achieving something. you feel like your life lacks value. but you’ve been alone for so long that you start to question the value of value. you live by logics and numbers but now equations hold no meaning. so you find it all overrated. what is the value of company? you don’t know, probably a small one, but you eat in front of the computer anyway because the sounds and images make loneliness less depressing. it is there, right in front of you, numbing – but there is nothing beside you. and you’ve been lacking that something that you don’t even know what it is, but you know that you are lacking it. you have a hunger to feed, a thirst to quench, a gap to fill. but the gap cannot be understood, its enigma so intrinsic that no amount of medication can touch. no state of mind can explain it, no psychiatrists, no popping pills, no friends, no bottle. the truth is that you can’t see it, you can’t touch it, so you ask yourself how the fuck are you supposed to fill it? you try a number of things, but nothing works. nothing ever seems to work. you start to lose hope, but somehow you manage. you want to talk about it, but can’t communicate. you have forgotten how. you lack social skills, you don’t notice social signs. for many times, you are strange and people call you unfit. you are not. maybe you are loosing sanity, but not completely. things make perfect sense, but in your head. it’s awkward, but it is a living. you only know that your sentimental education made you different, and maybe you have a shitload of problems that can’t be fixed, but you try. you are trying so hard, can’t people see it? so you open your mouth to talk, but the world won’t listen. they don’t want to listen. but, in fact, even if they did, they wouldn’t understand. they are all too stupid. you are so young still, yet so damaged. there is pity involved, but you don’t fucking care. you would rather have anger. you are so very angry. bu then, again, you find yourself alone. yes, you are alone, but it is okay, in the end, because you like being alone. but this is all a ruse, a very clever ruse. you haven’t never, ever, been so lonely.


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