have you ever been in love with someone that is determined to push you away?

it was still dark outside when the phone rang, its loud shrill noise cutting through the early early morning like the scream of a desperate, mechanic bird. the rain, on the other hand, fell softly outside: the soothing raindrops were like pebbles, pelting lightly against my window. but the loud sound disturbed the puddles in my windowsill, and, of course, my ears. the phone rang once, twice or, as it seems, a million times. but it was still way too early in the morning (or too late at night) to form coherent thoughts, so I let the machine pick up the message. my own voice flew through the air, then came the beep.

and out of thin air, fear materialized. sleep escaped in a second. her voice sounded like a ghost’s in the echo of the walls. hoarse with sleep it was, dark with something that I could not put a finger on. it was haunting, sensual and heavy, making the hairs in my body stand up like a feline. “I dreamt of you all night long.” she said, in a tone previously used for my ears only. “it had been a while now. so long in fact, that I could not even believe it. tell me… help me… have I woken up from this dream, or am I still dreaming? are you there? I dreamt in french…” her voice faltered, and a long, pregnant period of silence followed. I imagined her rubbing the sleep off of her eyes, searching for a clean mug to pour herself some coffee. “I dreamt of you, that you were here, and you laughed that great laugh that only you used to laugh. anyway, that is it. I wanted to share with you that I haven’t – well, at least my subconscious – forgotten you… and that I dreamt of you… and that I can’t even remember why I left anymore… ”

a sight followed. a gasp for air, like she was holding tears. no more words were spoken. the only sound was air being breathed, softly, on the receiver.

and the machine beeped loud, signaling the end of the message. I kicked away the covers, sat up in the bed, expelling sleep from all pores. I was all awake now. the weather was suddenly too cold, the air was humid and chilly. I got a pot of coffee started and went about, her words running through my mind. I was frightened and perplexed, I was amazed, flabbergasted.

and that day barely went by. I went back to bed, tangled in thoughts, entrapped in dreams. I missed work that day, missed the doctor’s appointment. I felt like deprived of my own soul and, at the same time, filled with a weird, clean kind of joy. I slept, in short intervals, through all the rest morning and then stayed awake all night. it was very late when I picked up the phone and dialed that number that I had never, ever forgotten. I hoped for it to be the same, or else a stranger was about to be bothered. the night was pitch dark and silent, but I had no peace. the phone rang once, twice, thrice… and I expected with great fear for her to pick up. she didn’t. probably was screening her calls, or out with some new beau. the machine picked it up. her cheerful virtual voice greeted me and the beep came. time to speak, time for this dead man walking to die. still the same number. great fear. great joy. my voice dropped one octave, heavy with sadness, impaired by a weird happiness – both that I didn’t know that I still carried. I breathed deep and exhaled slowly.

“I dreamt of you all night long for the past 6 years. I dreamt of you in English, in Portuguese, in French. I dreamt of you a little in German. I dreamt of you for every single night since you ran away. I dreamt of you; that, sometimes, you decided to stay. In those dreams you never packed your bags, we never yelled, you never left…”

my voice faltered, and I was on the brink of tears. I choked things back, feelings that were kept away for so long and that were desperate to emerge. things that I wasn’t even sure I was prepared to let out. I was ready to burst.

“… I dreamt of you in every scenario. I dream of you so much that, sometimes, illusion blurred real life and I would wake up and wander around life thinking that I was still asleep. sometimes I dreamt of things that happened, and dreams spilt into reality like milk into coffee. oh, boy, it was a great mess…”

I gulped one big knot that was stuck back there. “…and you have no idea. you weren’t there to see”. then I regained courage, coughed and continued.

“so, that is it. you dreamt of me? people say that you dream of a person when she is thinking of you? major bullshit, right? because – oh fuck – I thought of you… so much, but SO MUCH that you would have material to dream of me for two consecutive lives. your call would have arrived early. have you thought of me? I don’t think so. but I’ve dreamt of you, despite of that. I’ve dreamt of you every single night, and sometimes, every day. did you know that it tore me up not having you? did you know that this whole thing almost made me fall apart?”

silence. a long, awkward silence.

“so… only now have you dreamt of me? I screamed your name out the window on the train, didn’t you hear? I screamed your name outside your old house, I woke up the neighbourhood. I called your name into the pillows every single awake moment of the past few years. didn’t it make you dream of me? no. so you don’t know what it is like to dream. please don’t call me anymore. please, don’t dream of me anymore…”

she must have thought of me that night. I dreamt of her.

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2 Responses to “have you ever been in love with someone that is determined to push you away?”

  1. xasika Says:

    graaande. não dá pra ler na aula.

    Like

  2. xasika Says:

    o texto é grande, a aula também. mas eu leio rápido. e agora?

    “well I wonder”

    Like

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