just confused

I love that scene of the breakdown in the middle of the cheesy 80’s restaurant, where the serious, respectable politician, in his plain blue suit starts crying and crying, ruining everyone’s cheerful mood. some of the people around the table, choking on their bread sticks, are looking at the poor, exhausted, broken-hearted soul as he had gone insane. some others look as they have pity, while others are just plainly bored. I believe that these are the ones thinking “oh, lord, why the fuck doesn’t he get over with all this crap? why can’t he just FORGET? such a long time has passed, why can’t he just LET IT GO?”

and, my point is – finally – that no one is willing to allow us to grieve. why on earth the person cannot have that one last, long, painful remembrance of a lost loved one? aren’t we allowed to have memory? all they say is that “time will heal all wounds” but no one is asking me if I WANT those wounds to heal. people just want to rush us into forgetfulness, to empty our minds like it is a dirty ashtray. why must we get over everything? why are we supposed to bury, in a cold and forgotten cemetery, built in the very corner of our minds, the ones that were left behind? we haven’t ceased to cherish them, at least not yet. the ones that we wish to forget, that are dead and buried – those are the ones whom we hate, and that six feet under will stay.

the ones we love… let us grieve. please, that is what I ask for. let me drink and smoke and feel sorry for myself. let me cry, let me feel. grieve is the closest, most material thing we, grievers, have. is the one and only thing we can do – hurt ourselves – in order not to forget. poking the wound – can’t you see? – makes us FEEL again. as Yourcenar said, the cemetery is for the ones we ceased to cherish. we are not willing to cease our cherishing.

at least, I know I am not.


One Response to “just confused”

  1. Guilherme de Carvalho Says:

    Não entendi muuuuuuita coisa, fiquei agarrado no dicionário etc e tal. To lendo os outros posts mais antigos e tô gostando muito. Você divaga de maneira interessante!


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