railroad trippin’

i see you wandering around the trainway. no foot path, no sidwalk – those are unecessary ways in one’s life.

we meet behind the abandoned railway station. there’s nothing but vagabonds asleep with their stray dogs and debris, fallen concrete and dust. and us: there is us, a couple recently out of love, a young couple that has shared nothing more and nothing less than eachoter’s miseries.

you tell me you came crying all the way from home. shedding your tears in public, with no dignity, you say, while sitting on the train. you tell me you’ve been crying all the time now: life’s been harsh on you and that i can see. it has been harsh on your adorable little body. i hold your hand and it’s not white and it’s not smooth – it has a feel to it of dried blood and shattered petty things. but your mood changes fast.

your soul smells like desolation.

your heart carries the karma of a rotten peach. but don’t be fooled by the half-smile hanging from my lips: in the inside i feel too the solid weight of broken dreams but i choose not to give a voice to my heart’s desires. i gather my drifting attention, driving it back to your whispering voice.

“are you listening to me? promises –“, you sound angry all of sudden (it feels like old times), “you fed me promises. our life was nothing but a sketch.” you say, throwing a rock on the sky line. you pierce me with the look on your eyes. i try to make small talk but it doesn’t work. it has been a long time since i’ve last walked on the face of the earth, so i’m rusty. i’m silent. i’m helpless. i feels waves of melancholy coming and hitting, i am this lonely, rocky shore, and the tidal melancholy settles, making sea sounds.

i have you, we have eachother, yet my boat is sinking all the way, swallowed by this unexpected flood.

we walk for miles, kicking little stones and, inside my head, little me drowns in a red ocean of guilt. i blame you for fooling me so i can regret and blame myself. did i fool myself? foolish, foolish. it feels right to blame myself – there is no harm. so i float to the foggy dew, above the clouds, above San Francisco and i get lost in a long, hurtful thought, seeing colors of pain and sensual pleasure, finally finding and revolving my own insides.

i can touch my dharma on the top of that sacred peak.

finally i can come back to no conclusions, only more doubts per se. i land on the world of the living to find myself standing alone in the middle of nowhere, lonely and lost in the arms of your town. so i think of you smiling, laughing of all the irony that hits me like a punch in the back of the neck, this habit of your that always, ALWAYS is my fate and sin:

once again you’ve left me behind.

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